So-to-Eat: Rachel Rodman

December 5, 2018


Poetry and food always work well together. It is exactly so in the case of 11 food-themed prose-poems framed as "recipes" by Rachel Rodman.


Rachel Rodman writes fairy tales, food poetry, and popular science. Her work has appeared at Fireside Fiction, Grievous Angel, Expanded Horizons and elsewhere.





So-to-Speak, So-to-Eat: 11 Recipes


Good Grammar Don’t Matter
    -5 infinitives, split 
    -If you can, add some conditionals.
    -2-3 synonyms, together with some additional words, meaning much the same thing
Sprinkle with semicolons; any old place; you can’t have too many. Don;t sk;im;p;
Be eating that, we is.


    -1 green parrot, taxidermied
    -1 emerald treefrog, mummified
    -1 Douglas fir branch, gilded with a transparent plastic coat
Immerse in broth (6 parts embalming fluid, 1 part pesto).
Keep stirring.
And stirring.


Lest We Forget 
    -1 elephant brain, boiled
Grind with a steel trap.


Counting Your Chickens
    -7 yolks
    -19 early-stage chick embryos
    -11 late-stage chick embryos
Strain through abacus beads.


The Measure of a Man
    -100 trillion Y-chromosomes, deep fried
    -500 snips, spiced
    -50 snails, buttered
    -5 puppy dog tails, salted
Boil, grunt. Boil, grunt.
Sprinkle with testicles.


Joke Book Granola
To an airplane barf bag (Ha-Ha!), add:
    -100 boo-berries
    -50 quackers
    -2 large ham-booger patties
Knock-knock; knock-knock until the ingredients are reduced to bite-sized fragments, or until--at last--it can be determined who is there.


The Camel
Snap the vertebrae of a small dromedary, via the incremental addition of cereal stalks, one at a time.
Mince meat, very fine, by forcing it through the eye of a needle.
Flame broil.


To a blender, add:
    -1 neural net from a jellyfish
    -12 earthworm ganglia
    -3 frog pituitary glands
    -1 horse hippocampus
    -2 gorilla frontal lobes
Liquefy, high speed.

Something’s Missing
    -6 dwarfs
    -3 Beatles
    -2 Musketeers
    -1 turtledove
And then…


You Couldn’t Cook It Less
    -2 figs, diced
    -1 rat’s anus, sautéd
Stir with a bow from the world’s smallest violin.
Add some other stuff, too--or not. Whatever. 


In a Nutshell
    -20 almonds, distilled to their essence
    -10 walnuts, with the extraneous hulls pried away
Basically: a heap of pistachios
Then--anyway--just eat them.



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The image of Quasimodo is by French artist Louis Steinheil, which appeared in  the 1844 edition of Victor Hugo's "Notre-Dame de Paris" published by Perrotin of Paris.


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